On a looooong guilt trip with no pit stop.
After last weekend, I decided to take it easy this weekend and stop at my mom's for dinner. Not only did she feed me, she also sent me on the longest guilt trip to Jerusalem. Even though she's Catholic, you would BELIEVE that she's Jewish!
Mom: "You know, last weekend, I thought you were dead! You really gave me a heart attack."
Me: "Aw, mah. You didn't get a heart attack."
Mom: "Well, you coulda gave me a heart attack."
Me: "But you didn't HAVE a heart attack."
Mom: "If I DID have a heart attack, who's gonna take care of your father?"
Me: "BUT MA, I'M NOT DEAD, YOU'RE NOT DEAD SO WHY ARE WE EVEN TALKING ABOUT WHO'S GONNA TAKE CARE OF DAD?"
Mom: "You know, if I died because I thought you were dead, I'd tell Gawd I got there because of YOU!"
Me: "Oh? YOU'RE going to Heaven?"
(Long pause with the mother's stare that could've cracked the DaVinci Code.)
Mom: "You're giving me another heart attack, you know. Now shut up and eat your spaghetti before it gets cold."
Me: "Yes, muh-THER."